It's Summer!!!!! ...ish

All of the local public schools are out for the summer! YEAH! IT'S SUMMER BREAK!!!!!!

-ish!

For my kids, it is still time for school!

Okay, okay, so I know the idea of splashing around in water areas, playing with friends, and sleeping in sounds like fun, but the truth is that we tend to do things like that all year long anyway. We do not need a three month break, so although it is "summer" my kids still do lesson work. Because the boys and I are home full-time, there is always time for splashing, playing, and sleeping in- but there is also always time for schoolwork! **I speak on behalf of my family, NOT for all homeschool families. Many homeschool families do take summer breaks!!!!**

Breaks are very important, but I tend to make our school breaks happen when we need them, or schedule them around trips or visits. Breaks for us do not always mean that schoolwork stops. Our busiest and most complicated lesson plans are during the break we take during November/December. When I say we take a break during that time, I mean we are breaking away from our regular school routine and going into our holiday history and Advent lesson schedule. Those school days are much longer, take more prep, and are much more intensive than most of the rest of the year.So while it is a break, in a way, it is not schoolwork-free. We do have schoolwork-free breaks, but they are generally not in very large chunks.

Summer does bring a change for us! We do not do our traditional homeschool curriculum and rotation over the summer. I take the time to mix things up, relax things a bit, and often will use the summer to try new materials or methods. I feel like the change really makes summer special and sets it apart, without totally letting us go crazy or getting the boys out of the habit of doing schoolwork. (My first year homeschooling we started after taking the summer off- HUGE mistake. It works well in some families, but not for mine! My sons were resistant, angry, and had a really hard time adjusting back to the school routine- so we have never taken a summer off since and it has worked out much better for us.)

This summer we will be continuing our Language Arts lessons with Time4Learning.com.

We will be doing math from Math-U-See, and supplementing with the math lessons from Time4Learning.

I am going to be doing the summer program from Vocabulary Spelling City- we have not used the program before but the boys are excited about the idea of doing schoolwork on our tablet or phone. (This will be a test of the program. A friend of mine uses it and loves it, so I thought we would try it out, and they have a special program just for summer so I took the opportunity to sign up.)

We will be working on the kids' typing skills with games from here.

We will continue reading books from the library, our home collection, Kindle (so many free books- love love love!), Tumblebooks, and any other way we can grab them. We will be signing up for library Summer Reading Programs (but generally we finish those within a few weeks... so maybe we will make our own).

We will be doing more unit studies and less general study work. All social studies, science, additional language arts, writing, reading, etc will all be unit based. Carter and Harrison will continue writing in their 2012-2013 school year journals.

YAY SUMMER!!!!!!!!!

Let the fun begin!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now, excuse me, I need to move over so Carter can work on his language arts. He is doing dictionary work, and needs access to the computer so he can search online dictionaries. (Back in my day, we had to use a book!) Then I think we will visit the library. Love summer!

Heaven

"I can tell God lives here," Carter said.

This week our family took a small trip to the city of Nauvoo, Illinois. We stayed over night, and took in many of the sights. It was wonderful, and next time we visit we plan on staying longer- there was simply too much to do and see!

We started our drive and stopped for lunch. The boys saw a Harley Davidson store and insisted on visiting and shopping for their dream vehicles. They are motorcycle freaks! Not sure where they get their passion from, but they sure love them!

When we arrived in Nauvoo, we immediately drove past the Nauvoo Temple. The kids were all quiet, and Carter gasped, and said, "Wow! Guys, I know where we are! This is Heaven! Yes, I can tell God lives here." It was quite amazing to hear his little voice seriously proclaim his feelings. Indeed, the very special feelings in Nauvoo could be experienced by everyone! 

After dropping our luggage off at the Motel Nauvoo, we went to the Nauvoo Visitors' Center. We were greeted by Sister Missionaries who gave us a tour, and the boys were excited to sit near the beautiful Christus Statue and listen to scripture recordings. 

After finishing at the Visitor's Center, we went into the Nauvoo Monument to Women.

After seeing the statues, and taking some pictures (Isn't Harrison a little ham?) we headed over to the brickyard.

We need to take a tangent now, and tell a story:

Years ago, when we only had one little child, Kurt and I were discussing Church Missions. Kurt was reflecting on his life, and postulating what would have happened to him if he had been raised a member of the Church, and called on a mission. He wondered where he would have gone, what he would have done, how some things may have been different or ended up the same. We talked about our children going on missions, and our hopes for the future. Kurt looked at me, and smiled, and romantically took my hand and said that he was excited for our future, because we would be able to serve as Senior Missionaries together someday. He gave a little sigh, and then wondered aloud about where we would be sent. I broke the moment's quiet reverence by literally jumping up and down and saying, "I KNOW! I KNOW!" Taken aback by my new enthusiasm, Kurt asked me where I thought we would be sent. "NAUVOO!!!" I practically shouted with joy. I then rambled on and on about how I could practically see Kurt in pioneer clothing, hands muddy, making bricks at the brickyard, and how I could smell the gingerbread from the cookies I would be passing at the bakery. I talked for nearly an hour about all the things we would do while there, where we would live, and the people we would meet. Kurt had never been to Nauvoo, but remembered this conversation well, and as we stepped into the courtyard of the Nauvoo Brickyard, Kurt took a picture. I asked what he was doing, and he smiled his most charming smile, and said, "I want to remember the first day I walked to what will be my job someday!" So, even before entering or taking a tour, the Nauvoo Brickyard held a special place in our hearts.

While at the Brickyard the boys discovered how to make bricks. Specifically, the children learned about hacking bricks, and where the term, "Can't hack it" comes from!

While on our way to the Blacksmith, we stopped to watch a barge float along the Mississippi River. 

We then had a nice tour of the Blacksmith shop!

While at the Blacksmith, we were presented with Nauvoo Prairie Diamond rings! It was really sweet because later, at home, Kurt got down on one knee and proposed to me with one of them! My wedding ring still has not fit since I had Seraphina, so it was really sweet that Kurt was so romantic with our beautiful little souvenir! (Prairie Diamonds are nails that are hammered into rings. The nail head has a diamond shape, and the rings are called Prairie Diamonds!)

We saw a few more sites and then picked up tickets to the play "Rendezvous in Old Nauvoo!" The kids adored the play, and had a lot of laughs!

After the play, we went back to the motel and then decided to take a walk around the town. We went to the local school and the kids played at the park, and then we walked to the Nauvoo Temple and watched the sunset. It was a beautiful way to end the day!

We walked back to the motel, and enjoyed a peaceful night's rest!

The next morning, Kurt and I took turns doing Endowment Sessions at the Nauvoo Temple. Words cannot express the supreme holiness that resides within those sacred rooms, or the overwhelming joy and purpose that can be found within the House of the Lord. It is truly breathtaking and awe inspiring! 

The Nauvoo Temple has a building next door for waiting families- it had toys, a crib, rocking chairs, and more! There were beautiful places to sit and read, and soft music playing. The kids enjoyed themselves, and it was really nice to be able to sit back while they played! Sorry for the blurry pictures of Seraphina- she is always on the move!

We then went back to Old Nauvoo and visited the bakery (Where I may serve, someday! Hey- I can hope!), the Family Center, and a few more sites. (**Pictures to come- they are on Kurt's phone) Before leaving we took a carriage ride! The boys loved the horses!

One of the many places to visit while in the Nauvoo area, is Carthage Jail. Carthage is a very special place. We arrived late in the day, and were fortunate to have a private tour. During our tour, we sat in the bedroom where the Prophet Joseph Smith, his brother, and friends, were horrifically attacked by a mob. The feelings in that room are incredible- and brought tears to Kurt and me. Our little infant, Seraphina, stayed silent during the recollection of the events that occurred the last night of Joseph Smith's life, and all of our children could feel the Spirit witness to them, and they stayed reverent and quiet.

The boys look through the window, where the Prophet Joseph Smith was killed.

It was a really wonderful trip, and rejuvenated us as a family. It was a welcome distraction as we continue to wait on job leads, and look to the future. The visit to Nauvoo made us remember that there have been much bigger trials than ours, and it humbled us greatly. While visiting, we were given a larger eternal picture- walking through the streets helped us remember that the past is never far behind, and our futures span eternity. Our earthly cares may currently be many, but our lives are aligned with God's plans for us, and in the end- that is really all that matters.

Excellent trip! 

Getting priorities straight

It has been a long time since I blogged. Mostly I haven't written because I keep hoping for some grand news about a move, a new job, or something else. I keep waiting for that brilliant moment where I have excellent and exciting things to share!!!

... wait for it....

.... waaaaaait for it.....

nope, still nothing.

I am a naturally enthusiastic person. All those exclamation points I write behind things: oh yeah, I mean them!!!  I try hard to find things to be happy about, but most of the time it isn't something I have to try hard to do. I count my blessings and remember how lucky I am, how many miraculous things have happened for us so far, and I focus on all of the things we have going for us.

Really, seriously, I know we are abundantly blessed. I do!

We live in a beautiful home, provided for us by Kurt's loving and supportive family.
We are surrounded by people who love our family, and care about our well being.
We live in a great community and people here know one another and look out for one another.
We have an excellent Church family here, and we adore our Ward.
We have strong, helpful, encouraging, loving, and amazing friends (location does not matter- their love can be felt from thousands of miles away).
Everyone in our family is here.
Everyone in our family is alive.

These are just the blessings I thought of while sitting here, I could go on and on. Point is: I know we are blessed!!!

However, there comes a point where, especially for someone extra enthusiastic like me, something starts to happen in less-than-spectacular times. While I still acknowledge my blessings, I stop being ultra-enthusiastic about them. Think of it as going from:

We live in a house!!!!!!!

to

We live in a house!

There is still gratitude. There is still joy. There is still enthusiasm.

But there is less.

I didn't realize my enthusiasm was deteriorating. I didn't know there was a change. I didn't know what I needed. Lucky for me, I have a very insightful friend who could see what I needed, even if I didn't.

Recently I received a FedEx package. I opened it, and inside was beautiful silver paper. Tucked within the paper was a black box. Mysterious, right???

Curious, I opened the box.

It contained hope.

No, literally, it contained hope!!!

Above the bright, glittering message of hope were the words:

When found upon the darkest depths,

Or lost among the things that bite 

Remember friends are there with you,

Helping you to find the light.

How amazing!!! I couldn't stop crying. This was it!!! This was what had been missing!!! I had lost my hope. Things here had fallen into such a solid routine, I had lost hope that things would change. I had lost my hope that my dreams were in line with God's plan. I had lost my hope that there was an end to what I felt was a long tunnel. I had lost my hope that tomorrow would be better than today.

Let's follow that for a moment-

     I am fully aware that right now, right where we are, right in our current position, we are living a life that many would adore to have. Many people dream to live the way we do, and I understand that, I really do. I understand we are so fortunate, and I understand it can be difficult to understand that we want something different. I do not ask for anyone to attempt to mentally grasp our desires, I simply ask that our desires be respected. I stand by my husband and his righteous goals for our family, he and I share a vision, and I appreciate him and his plans for our future.

Back to hope.

I had been feeling pretty beat down, and I didn't even realize it. That beautifully crafted gift of hope reminded me of who I really am, and what I want. It rekindled our desires, and fueled our fire to work harder at obtaining our goals. This box of hope could not have come at a better time...

I am 9 credits from graduation. 9 tiny, little, credits. With Kurt's blessing, I enrolled for those credits. I was thrilled because graduation was in sight!

Then, Kurt interviewed for a job.

Within hours of his interview, he was called and given a second interview.

The interviews went well, but we were told to wait for a week. We thought it would be fine, because if he got the job I would just drop my classes before the tuition was due, so no big deal at all! 

We found out this week they need another week to decide...

We have a finite amount of money available. Tuition and books were a large percent of those funds. We knew we could get by on what was left after tuition and such, and Kurt knew graduation was important to me, so he fully supported it. Without getting into the complicated details, let me summarize: we have two very clear, very different paths in front of us, and both are legitimate options. We can follow my career, or his. But, our family dynamic, and our desired lifestyle, does not allow for both. Essentially we were tossing up the white flag, abandoning hope, and sailing along with what the world would say is the right thing to do: send me to work. I could finish the credits, toss in an internship, and bing, bang, boom, we could follow me to graduate school and beyond. 

I will not deny that this is a sexy option. Being in graduate school is much more respected than being covered in baby vomit and boogers all day. Publishing papers and having titles is more prestigious than making dinner and teaching 3rd grade math. Researching at the Smithsonian is much more glamorous than "just being a mom." Following my educational pursuits is so much more modern (and at times, appealing) than being responsible for the education of my children and the running of our home. 

But...

Is that what is right for us? Is that what is right for me?

Being educated is a noble goal. Pair that with my long-term career interests in global public health, and it equates to very righteous desires, indeed! However- they are not as noble or righteous as what I can do in my little home. I will add: what is right for me, is not right for everyone. Every family is unique, and I speak only for my own. 

I do not plan to know God's plans for our family, but I do know His desires for me: my first priority needs to be to my family, and not just in financial terms. My place, in my family, is in our home.

I do not believe it was a coincidence that Kurt's prospective employer alerted us they would need another week to make a decision. I do not believe it is a coincidence that it ties in to the same deadline as my tuition payment. I do not believe it is a coincidence that we have enough funds for us to pay for my classes or to move, but not to do both. No, this is bigger than coincidence. 

I prayed. I prayed hard, and I know that dropping my classes is the right thing to do. So, I did it. 

Graduation is not as important as staying mobile. 

My personal accomplishments are not as important as the big picture.

School will still be there in the fall and even after, but this opportunity (if offered) will not wait.

More than any of that- I chose to hope.

I chose to put my stock in my husband and in his abilities. I chose to support him and his righteous and beautiful goals and plans for our family. I chose to put my own ambitions aside, for now, and keep my role in our little unit. I know my husband has the talent and the ability to lead our family and provide for us, and I know the right opportunity is coming. I love him, support him, and believe in him!

In the future much of my plans could change (I could finish this Fall, I could go to grad school in 10 years!), but for right now, with our kids at these ages, and at this stage in our life, home is where my heart is.

So, I will make the pancakes that Seraphina insists upon having each morning (she only eats fresh ones, thankyouverymuch!). I will attend the baseball games and cheer for my little men. I will smile and kiss my husband whenever he walks by. I will wash the diapers and hang the laundry. I will work with the boys on their lessons, and be there for the teachable moments. I will encourage, uplift, and support my family members in every way I can, because right now that is more important than any other outside position I could hold.

I do not expect people to understand, and I know from the world's point of view I may be throwing away (or at least postponing) a very large opportunity. But, I also know that our purpose is more than what we become in this lifetime, and I know that following prayers has never, ever, lead us astray. I know my husband, and I believe in him. I know my God, and I believe in Him. And in the meantime, I will cling to my scriptures, family, and friends, who remind me to hold on to something more important than worldly answers: hope.

"You always, if you are faithful in the Church, will be much different from the world at large." - Boyd K. Packer 

America's favorite pastime.

I always intended to sign the boys up for baseball. Kids grow, eat, breathe, and play baseball, right? Before I had children I thought baseball would be easy, fluid, and effortless. I had no idea about districts, age groups, and equipment- none of that entered my mind. All I thought was that they would play, and they would enjoy it. The end. (Don't judge my 20 year old childless mind!)

Somehow my eldest baby is 8. I don't know how it happened. I swear I just put him down, turned around, and BAM he is 8! When I try and remember the reasons we didn't enroll the boys in baseball over the years, many come to mind: we moved, we had scheduling conflicts, we moved, we missed registration, we moved, etc. It all leads to now- the boys have never played. Well, thanks to a wonderful family friend, and are now enrolled!!!!!!

I got a text that practice starts tomorrow.

Tomorrow?!

I found out yesterday that practice starts tomorrow.

I forgot to tell Kurt until this morning.

"What?! Okay. This is okay. Everything will be fine. Ugh, no time to break in gloves. UGH! Okay, that's fine. We will just run into town and I will get them gloves. Do they need bats too?" Kurt starts rambling.

I smile, "The coach said to bring whatever bat they are used to..."

Kurt smiles back, "Hope he won't be too disappointed when they show up with Wii controllers then..."

Yes its true, our boys have truly never played, not even in the front yard. But you know what? They have great golf stances and can do beautiful plies. I am sure that counts for something.

Back to our conversation: Kurt was going to take the kids into town by himself. I wanted to be a part of it but Seraphina just went down for a nap.

"Okay, fine. I will stay with Seraphina, you take the boys." Kurt declared.

"Got it. So... what do I need?"

"Gloves and a bat." He answered.

"Aren't there sizes for gloves? Do I need to get oil and rubber bands (I think of that Liar, Liar movie)? Do we need our own T-Ball stand? Will we need one of those machines that throws the balls to the kids? How many balls do we need, like 12?" I start to list all of the things I think they could or might "need." I try to think back to when my brother played, but honestly I was old enough that I didn't have to go to his practices or games, so I cannot recall them very well. I think I went to a few... how do I not remember this? (My comment about the machine that throws balls to the kids was half in jest...)

Kurt puts his head in his hands. His mind is adding up all the money I am likely to spend on smartly advertised baseball items that claim they are necessary for kids. He knows he cannot send me on this errand alone.

We are now waiting until Fina wakes up, and then we will all be going to town to get baseball stuff. As a family. Awwwwww =)

I foresee us taking a few "baseball" homeschool days this week- if only to give rundowns of the game and help them get a feel for the bat and gloves. I can imagine our evenings will be spent watching The Sandlot and Angels in the Outfield.

Kurt calls the kids together, and he tells them our plan.

Carter jumps up and down. His friends are all going to come play Wii baseball?! No, Kurt explains more in depth about what we are doing, and about baseball in general. After his mini-lecture Carter is smiling and nodding, and Kurt seems pleased with himself for teaching about such an important sport.

Harrison cheers, and this is a quote: "YEAH! I love football!!!!"

At this point Kurt's eye twitches, it is apparent they took nothing from his heartfelt lesson, and he smiles through it and sends the kids out to play.

I cannot help but sit back and laugh.

I love my family. Let the adventure begin!

Too much like Martha...

My Good Morning Girls group just finished Luke 10. In Luke 10: 25-27 we read of Martha and Mary.

Now it came to pass, as they went, that he entered into a certain village: and a certain woman named Martha received him into her house. And she had a sister called Mary, which also sat at Jesus' feet, and heard his word. But Martha was cumbered about much serving, and came to him, and said, Lord, dost thou not care that my sister hath left me to serve alone? bid her therefore that she help me.

And Jesus answered and said unto her, Martha, Martha, thou art careful and troubled about many things: But one thing is needful: and Mary hath chosen that good part, which shall not be taken away from her.

I am often a Martha. 

It is so hard to admit.

More than just a regular Martha, I am a stubborn and angry Martha. I am a nagging and frustrated Martha!

This weekend is the General Conference for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. While I may have started the day as a correctly-prioritized Mary, my day soon spiraled into the world of a Martha. 

My brother is here in town. He was going to help us move (that is a different story) but instead ended up coming for a visit. He is a low maintenance guest, it is not as if he is demanding or needy. However, I am a horrible hostess. What once seemed like a tidy enough space somehow morphs (in my mind) to something utterly inhabitable. What usually seems like a few dishes in the sink becomes (again, in my mind) a pile of dishes the size of Alaska. What usually seems like average behavior for the kids (in my mind, yet again) becomes the most obnoxious and horrible behavior known to man. I want things perfect. I find myself working hard and losing sight of what is important. I become Martha! 

Rather than take it slow and savor my brother's company, I tend to put my shoulder to the wheel and press on- only with an even faster and more furious pace than usual. Rather than prioritize and realize that between Brian and my much-adored (and highly important!) General Conference, I start to freak out about checklists and chores. Not only do I make myself work hard, but I ask my family to pick up their pace too. The boys and I do dishes while Kurt tidies up the house (Fina was asleep), and this all leaves Brian with no one to talk to, and nothing to do. Is this what Brian would want? Is this what I really want? Is this what the kids really want? Is this what is most important? Is this what Jesus would want me to do?

Jesus did not demand Martha to sit by his side and listen. Jesus allowed Martha to set her priorities and push herself hard. It was only when Martha came to him to ask that he have Mary help her that Jesus reminded her of what is needful: Him. Jesus reminds Martha of what the priorities should be, and then makes it clear that he will not be sending Mary away to help. Spiritual needs should come first.

I didn't read my scriptures until after 10pm. I didn't get a chance to sit back, sip cocoa, and ponder more about some of the amazing talks from Conference. I did not get a chance to breathe and enjoy my funny and quirky little brother. Instead, I sorta freaked out all day, and rushed from thing to thing to thing. Why? Because I allowed my Martha tendencies to take hold and run.

There are only so many hours in the day, and while Martha's serving was important, it was not what was necessary. While it is important to do the dishes, sweep the floor, and run the laundry, today it was not what was necessary.

I am so glad that I figured this out now, so that I can enjoy the rest of General Conference tomorrow, and spend more quality time with my brother before he leaves Tuesday!

To the other Marthas: JOIN ME! Let us work on this together! Housework and daily duties are very important, but they must come after the needs of our spirits! How often do we start our days before prayer? How often do we start our workday before we have read our scriptures? No- let us step back, and take this lesson to heart. Let us put what is needed first.

Keep it simple.

I tend to believe in minimalism. I enjoy simplicity and space. My first apartment was furnished to my liking, and included a fairly open floorplan and vaulted ceilings, I lived alone and I loved it!

Fast forward and my husband now lived there too. What was once open and free felt cramped. When we found out we were expecting our eldest boy, we moved to a two bedroom.

The space still felt small. Too small.

What happened?

In a nutshell, this lover of simplicity married a man who enjoys "collecting." ESPN magazines, baseball cards, and oh-so-many wires and computer parts. It was enough to drive me nuts! I wanted to toss it all. He wanted to keep it all. So, for years it moved with us.

More kids, more moves.

Over the years my husband has let go of a lot of his collections. There are some things he keeps, and they are (still) boxed in the basement. However, I have learned to bend, and so has he. Over time, he realized the freedom that comes from living a simpler life!

This brings us to the tie-in about our vacation:

While on vacation, we packed enough for our little family, and nothing in excess. We flew 5 people (one of them, an infant!) to a two week vacation using 3 suitcases and 3 small carry-ons (this included the kids' toy bag and the diaper bag)! Simplicity.

Things were organized, and made sense. We had what we needed.

We got back home and took a look around and both of us realized that we needed to make a change. Our home was stuffed to the brim with stuff! Without realizing it, we had allowed the stuff to clutter our hearts and our home, and we knew things needed to change.

I packed boxes of things we didn't need to have out. We packed some boxes of Kurt's grandfather's things (we are living in Kurt's grandfather's beautiful fully-furnished home). Kurt moved the boxes and arranged them in the basement storage room. We both took a look around at the finished project and let out audible sighs. Yes- a simple life for us!

It got me to thinking. How many other things have I allowed to become cluttered? More than my wardrobe or living room, what things are there in my life that could use a good cleaning?

I closed my eyes and thought back to my vacation. It was heavenly! Excellent company, good books, fun games, beautiful atmosphere. I thought of what I want long term, and what may be holding me back. What I realized was that I have a lot of decluttering to do in a few areas. I had been allowing things to get too complicated. I started to look at everything from our nutrition (we used to happily follow a paleo lifestyle, now there are gluten free store-bought cookies in my pantry?) to our homeschool schedule. I started thinking about our friendships and our spirituality. Yes, things needed to change.

In Luke 9, we learn that Jesus asked the disciples to go forth and preach. Jesus counseled the disciples not to load themselves with baggage, but instead take very little. The physical belongings the men carried was not nearly as important as the message they brought. Jesus also gave excellent advice regarding those who were less than welcoming: just leave. Do not make a fuss. Do not make a scene. Just leave.

Simple.

In simple living there is room. There is space to roam, air to breathe, and time to ponder. With less "stuff" comes less clutter. With less clutter comes more clarity. This is true in every area I can visualize.

We will continue to de-clutter our physical belongings, I am sure. It is something we tend to do fairly often. It is a freeing feeling to let go of earthly possessions. Wonderful! For those who have trouble in this area, I highly recommend the book Sink Reflections. While it is mainly a book about cleaning habits, it is also a wonderful book for those who desire to de-clutter their lives and homes. For those who have time to be in front of the computer a bit longer, I recommend the FlyLady website.

Vacation was wonderful because it reminded me of what it is like to live a more simple life. Remove the desire for stuff, clear away the excess, take out the complications. Focus on the priorities, focus on the loved ones, focus on the scenery.

There is beauty everywhere, sometimes it is just hidden by clutter.

The candle burns down.

Oh that glorious vacation. I already miss it dearly! Part of my reason is because I had my parents there. We all got along wonderfully. No, that's wrong. We thoroughly enjoyed one another's company! It was such a great time- having all of us together with no responsibilities, no worries, nothing looming over our heads- what bliss! One of the biggest loves: our amazing housekeeper. She would spend more than an hour in our villa every day- it was always perfect and spotless, gotta love that!

That bliss made coming home that much harder. In the wise words of a friend, "Easier to ask who doesn't feel down after a vacation. Better yet, if you don't feel down, it wasn't a vacation." Ah, true!

Coming home meant resuming our routine, and getting back to work. The work of finding a job (for Kurt), the work of homeschooling, the work of household chores, the work of our daily lives.

While we started to get back into our groove, Kurt found himself pretty ill. He isn't one to normally get sick, so when it does happen, it happens fast and furious. He went to bed, and I looked around and found myself overwhelmed. Unpacking, homeschool, my own courses, the house, the pets, the children, it all fell on me. I wanted to scream and be angry. But rather than do that, I just turned on the music and started to get going.

First, I lit my candle. Yes, my little candle friend who greets me and my weary body. My candle almost speaks to me: "Remember, pray for your family every time you see me. Pray for them, and pray for you. Pray for peace. Allow Him to help you." Yes, little candle, thank you. (By the way, your cinnamony scent is fabulous, and just what I needed on this cold night.)

That little candle helps remind me of what it is that I have promised to do. That candle reminds me to stop the negative thoughts, and remember my blessings. Focus on peace. Focus on happiness. Focus on my little family. As I clean I think of my wonderful little children- each one, I pray for by name. I say specific prayers in my heart for each of their individual needs, and I pray for guidance as I lead them. I pray for my husband. I pray for myself. I pray for my parents. I pray for Kurt's parents. I pray for our grandparents. I pray, and I work with my hands.

My own mother was (is) a hard worker. Employers will proudly say she can do the job of many, and her efficiency is unmatched (no, seriously, she is gifted). Her mind has a special talent for organizing, categorizing,  planning, and her follow through makes her a tough act to follow. I was raised in a very clean house, where dinner was hot and on the table, and dessert generally followed (nearly always home made, ohhhhh you should try her cobbler, it's to die for! But you cannot try her rice pudding, my father and I have a long standing tradition of fighting over it. We actually have made a game of it over the years, of hiding it from one another, swapping portions, etc. Really, her baking is superb. If you have a chance, try it. You will never look at a regular cookie the same way again.) She managed to accomplish all of this while going to school, raising my brother and myself, and working a full time job. She did this, and never do I recall her complaining about fatigue. Wow, just writing that made me tired...

Anyway, growing up with such a mom left me big shoes to fill! Unfortunately I was not very proactive in attempting to learn how to be a housekeeper or cook, so when I moved out on my own I was fairly useless. I actually hired someone to clean my first apartment for me (seriously). I could spray window cleaner and dust, but for deeper projects I had no idea of what to do. I also knew little about laundry (my mother attempted to have us learn, but my brother and I realized if we tossed our clothes in the washer, my mother would eventually want to wash her things, and would process our loads for us. Yeah... I was less than helpful... That said, I did know how to wash towels. My dad taught me that when I was in elementary school. So, at least I knew that much!) But really, my voids in knowledge were there because I felt like I had better things to do. Yes, my teenage self was too important to learn how to house-keep.

Fast forward.

I am here, with my little candle burning, and I feel overwhelmed. Kurt has gone to bed sick, and little Fina is dozing too. The boys come to me, and with beaming smiles offer to help. I smile, and we work together. We do the dishes, and we dance to the music. It takes longer, because they have small and uncoordinated hands, but their company takes the sting out of having to work so hard and having so much to do. Harrison follows me and helps with laundry. Carter is busy using a small hand brush and dustpan, trying to clean the kitchen and dining room floors. Harrison moves to the bedroom and cleans up the toys. Carter picks up the pet areas. Harrison reorganizes the shoe rack. Carter wipes down the table. I am putting things away, and sorting the piles of mail. Together, we get a lot done. The boys are thrilled, they cannot wait for Daddy to see how hard they worked. They brush their teeth, get into bed, say their prayers aloud and drift easily to sleep.

I kiss them and get back to work. Laundry swapped. Baskets moved. Piles changed. It feels like it doesn't end.

The candle flickers, the flame gasping its last breaths.

I am exhausted. I can barely move.

I rearrange the refrigerator decorations so that Kurt can see a note I wrote him. It is a love note, with hearts and expressions of well-wishes for his health. It took 4 attempts to write the perfect words and make it look right. Kurt often tries to get up before me and allow me some rest. He knows I have sleep troubles, and nursing exaggerates them, so he sacrifices his own sleep to help out. I know it is hard, and if he isn't feeling well, I can only imagine how difficult it will be, so I choose my words carefully- expressing gratitude while still offering him an out in case he is still sick. Part of me is jealous he is sick, I want to be sleeping too. I force those thoughts away, and I get back to work.

The candle is nearly gone. Its light a mere speck.

I write the homeschool plan on the white board- Carter in red, Harrison in blue, shared activities in purple.

I look around. Things look nice, orderly, and put together. I take a deep breath, and savor the feeling of a clean house (something I always went to sleep with as a child- and a feeling I adore!!!). I smile, my heart is warm. My body is pushed past exhaustion, and is now in physical pain. I don't care. I feel accomplished. I feel good.

The flame dies. Darkness comes.

Quiet.

...
....
.....

Nearly instantly...

My baby wakes.

I bow my head and want to cry.

One more thing.

Always one more thing.

My burden feels like more than I can possibly carry.

I just want to crumble and fall. I want to scream. "Look at all the work I just did! LOOK! Isn't there a quota of work before it stops?! Isn't there a level of exhaustion that is reached where we just get to finally rest!?"

And then I remember: I can ask for help. I do not need my candle lit- I can pray anytime. I say (if we are being honest, it was more like a scream) in my heart: "PLEASE help me. I cannot possibly do this alone!"

Kurt walked up the stairs, and even though his head ached and he felt horrible, he helped.

I look at my mother, and I have no idea how she did it. (Does it.) I love a clean house. I love visiting her home because her home is so beautiful it always feels like a hotel. Fluffy bath robes with luxury products. Double showers with towels nearly as tall as I am. Breakfast provided (my dad does magical things to eggs- he really does!). It feels less like "home" and more like a spa trip- it is like a vacation! I want that in my home. I want my family to feel that feeling. I want my children to feel comfort, love, and warmth. I want my husband to walk in and take a breath and feel like he can unwind. I want my guests to feel pampered and cared for, just by being in the house.

My desires are good, I just need to keep perspective.

How many mothers do I know who work themselves to the bone to create an atmosphere that is full of love? How many mothers do I know who smile and walk past the dishes that pile, to heed the call of a child wanting individual attention? How many mothers do I know who sacrifice their personal time to help another? How many mothers do I know who endure the monotony of housekeeping, and continue to put their shoulders to the wheel and press on? How many mothers do I know who cringe at the idea of having to make one more meal or snack, and yet still do?

Many.

Most are quiet about their labors.

A few brave souls speak out.

Tonight, I speak out.

As part of the my vacation blogging, I blog tonight on how much I loved having a housekeeper. I loved having a housekeeper scrub the fixtures we had used, sweep the sand we had tracked, and change the sheets we had dreamed between. I loved it! What a beautiful thing, to have a vacation from all the housework that I routinely do! It was heavenly!

Tonight, as I do my final walk through the house, spending those last moments picking up so our home is in order in the morning, I will think of my mother. I will think of all the mothers I know who work so hard to create beautiful homes for their families. I will think of the mothers who push themselves to wash one last dish, fold one more shirt, or change one more load of laundry. I till think of them, and I will pray. I will pray for them to feel rest, to know of God's love for them, and for them to feel comfort in the work they do.

“If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow Me.” Luke 9:23

I loved my vacation. The first day home, I found myself on the phone with my parents, and we joked, "Where is Ruphina?! She needs to help us unpack and clean!" Having her help us for two weeks was truly wonderful, and it reminded me of what I give my own family. As much as I loved slipping into clean sheets and showering in a clean shower, it helped me remember that own family loves that too- and while it is nice to have someone else do it, the benefits are still the same if I can accomplish them. Working hard to create a place of peace is important, and can help uplift and inspire. Every time I wash our sheets, every time I sweep the floor, every time I do the laundry- I help create a more serene atmosphere for myself and my family, and oh how great that is!