Pfc Carter is married and lives in Texas! He has already been to Poland and Lithuania!
Harrison will be serving in the Japan Tokyo South Mission! He has been asked by his Mission President for photos and info on his family- therefore, with the boys this old, and having solo parented most of the journey, I am going to read this and add notations of behind-the-scenes what-really-happened. Printing off cute photos of Harrison and his life growing up in America along the way (he was asked to bring a physical family photo book).
Here is the thing I need known about this blog, before I even go back to the first post:
I lied.
It is now autumn 2026 and I’ve been divorced with sole custody and full decision making for all the children since January 2019.
I have not read this blog, in its entirety, for at least a decade or more, and I have unpublished post drafts nearly the entire opening page of Blogger that were written after the last post, up to 2020- each attempting to try and explain unthinkable things that really need not be shared- but further prove my loyalty to the dream. No one who knows me can say I was not devoted to my family... indeed, I still am, it just looks different now, and that's okay! Its better. In fact it is significantly better and more healthy!!! Everyone is happier!
I am aware there are many pages in here I will find incredibly glorious, but I am also prepared for the pain of having to face truth. I want that to happen while Harrison is still here, if only so I can ask him questions before I close the chapter on the original title of this blog, "The Many Adventures of The Little Prince and Spaceman Spiff." Harrison has not read this nor does he care to, "I lived it." He doesn't say it with animosity, just stating a fact. To him, life was perfect. A perfect lie, yes, but perfect and he understands my thoughts behind wanting to make life perfect for my kids. Carter told me he read this, he said he was especially fascinated by my telling the tale of his running away- he did not know I held such emotion. This confuses me, so I also want to look back and try and see what it was I missed, or am missing. I don't know. Parenting never got easier, it just got less labor intensive, but the amount of mental and emotional analysis required to parent older children is hard in a different kind of way. Adult children are even more fascinating!
Not everything in here is a lie. But I can make things look great, even when the world is crashing, at least for the kids. However, after HG with Arabella and a rough recovery from 7 rounds of IV antibiotics, I could only keep up on Facebook. I own that. I take full responsibility for wanting my kids to feel loved by both parents and I wanted them to feel like they had a wonderful and perfect life. I wanted it to be true- so I made it true for them. This blog was left as a journal on a shelf. Carter said he found it and read the entire thing, I am curious as to what he saw, and with Harrison leaving this feels like a wonderful way to clean up anything unsaid and put it away for good. They can see it if and when they want to, but also with my perspectives now. I will not be editing the posts- I will be adding notations as appropriate that are clearly separate from the original post.
I can already tell you I will find embellished portions of life in this- mostly made for my own sanity, as well as for what I thought was best for the children’s futures- documenting a life I carefully curated around them, believing my dream family materialized if I postured, polished, posed, and posted well. It didn’t matter if I cried myself to sleep- they were all that mattered. This is not healthy, but it was my mindset at the time. NOT all things were awful or bad! NO! I clung to the good with my soul and sunk cost fallacy made me believe I was in too deep to leave.
Then I got sick.
In 2018 the children were in therapy processing what we had been warned was my impending death. During this, my marriage also broke, thankfully mental health was already in place because their lives turned upside down.
The night before I first started typing legal documents on irreconcilable differences, unbeknownst to adults, the boys had stayed awake- sneaking Nintendo DS time, and overheard an argument meant to be private. The next day the boys called a family council and confronted their father- neither child had any prior knowledge of any family issues and both wanted answers. Rightfully- there were a LOT of feelings. The pages in this blog and the life I built around the kids was more beautiful than deeply hidden parts of reality by far- the truth needs to be said, yes, but not to small children or even teenagers. Adult issues are for adults. But, the boys wanted answers.
The boys began with an outline - Brene Brown would be happy- but their plan was not to their father's liking. Questions were dodged in the name of privacy, but finally Carter landed on what they really wanted to know. Carter is smart in the most clever of ways. He cut straight to the heart of the issue with one question, a question which would finally begin the dialogue the boys really wanted:
Carter, his father's little buddy and biggest fan, had only one question in the boys’ proactive confrontation. "What have YOU ever bought ME?” With a response stating the breadwinner technically buys all, Carter clarified. “How many gifts have YOU ever actually gone out and bought FOR me?”
“None.”
Carter’s verbal engagement stopped there. I knew why, and so did his dad. Gifts are Carter’s primary received love language- and I had given their father credit for all of the most exciting gifts, exciting ideas, and fun plans their entire lives. For him this was honesty distilled to his worst fear: I had been the one behind the curtain. He sat in silent solidarity with his brother for the rest of the meeting, absorbing the truth said aloud with direct eye-contact to his face. I had lied. The beloved father figure he so adored was largely based on my lies- the actions taken for the kids were real- but credit given to someone who didn’t really exist, work done by me to make them believe in a more balanced and stable environment than existed. I watched Carter’s face as his world crashed down, and he sat back, allowing Harrison to take over.
While I had invited to be there, as they called a family council, they explained it had been a guise- the boys had already discussed and decided they did not wish for me to even speak, their questions were not for me. That’s not to say I wasn’t blamed- at one point Harrison demanded his father stop naming me in any accusations. Not one minute later their father was also not to mention or look at me- this was between the men of the family. Yes, Mom lied, however in their eyes I was not the one who had taken the credit. The boys wanted answers for this, their father had always told them to be honest and fair. Harrison pointed out that if it was 'honest and fair' his dad wouldn’t have taken credit. Their father pointed out his belief that their proactive confrontation was biased and unfair, but only then was it was disclosed they had heard everything from the prior night and they stood firm they did not want to speak to or about me- they intended on officially addressing our family patriarch in the official family council. To know the boys and the family I built is to know they took this seriously, it was a card they knew to be an instant-non-negotiable opening to conversation. Their father “ran” our family in a way that made him the "official" leader and decision maker, and the young boys were now demanding that leader step forward and be held accountable for his own words and actions.
To say I was shocked would be an understatement. My boys were now behaving as the men they were raised to be, holding council and demanding accountability. It did not go well, and made my ex so wildly uncomfortable he took off for a time and gave notice he wouldn’t attend his own son’s priesthood ordination- something absolutely unheard of in LDS culture.
I had “the Cinderella story” of divorces. My ex happily signed away all rights to custody, decision making, and mediation. The divorce was seen in front of a judge but without the financials in order. The judge offered to come back in a month, we asked if we could please have help figuring them out that day, the judge offered to recess and then “let’s grab a calculator,” and with the use of paystubs we agreed to the state standard for finances.
Case closed! I had the kids, and they were all able to exercise their rights on where to live, their religion, extracurricular events, etc! Carter exercised this right so beyond any appropriate scope- we have seen him less than a handful of times since he left in 2021. We always invited, but he rarely partook. It was painful to the siblings but they all agreed that its Carter's life. Agency is highly regarded.
Things were quiet until 2023 when custody was attempted to be reopened- but it’s now autumn 2026, and the mockery my ex made of court has been over since last summer, and I still have solo custody of the children. The girls homeschool and enjoy acting and singing in community theater and at Church, and adore their friends and many hobbies. They are thriving and happy, following their passions and dreams, and enjoying the last autumn we will have with Harrison before he leaves for two years in Japan ❤️ They ask for privacy so that is where I will end discussing them.
I reopen and re-devote this blog to my posterity. But I also open it with grace and love for who I was and what I tried to create for my children. A dear friend said it best when she summarized, “You were just raising the kids and singing ‘Families Can be Together Forever,’ you couldn’t have known.” I did not know the damage lying to myself- and therefore also to my children- would do. However, I stay reassured by every mental health expert reiterating that what I did what was absolutely best for the kids. They are only children, they need not be concerned with adult matters. And I have been told by 5 mental health professionals since then that my children are very emotionally intelligent and happy with our life together and inside our community. Health in all forms matters, and I am thankful I wrote this, and I am thankful for my kids.
I love you Private and Elder- and I love your sisters. You’re my reasons for living, especially once I learned the real truth. It is an honor to be your mother. I am sorry for any pain I ever caused you, and I pray someday you can forgive me for all the things I’ve ever done that ever hurt you in any way ❤️ I love you forever and always - your imperfect, but still always trying, Mom
