Gone.

For 2 1/2 hours my son, Carter, was gone.

We had argued all day. He was so irritable and generally disagreeable, he wouldn't stop misbehaving. It was the worst day he has given me in a very long time. I told him to go to his room to rest, my youngest and I retreated to my room to do the same. A few Hello Kitty episodes later I went to get my son from his room...

He was gone.

I called for him.

Gone.

I went in every room.

Gone.

I ripped through closets, tore apart laundry baskets, hollered his name.

Gone.

I stopped, stood straight, closed my eyes... felt the stillness that comes from emptiness. I knew it...

Gone.

Harrison, my youngest, was in another room. He could feel it too, once I stopped moving. For a moment, we both stood- listening, searching, feeling the air. Yes, we could feel it. Silent, stale.

Gone.

His little body released a haunting shriek- his best friend, his brother, his roommate, was not with us. He quivered, his face red, his eyes instantly swollen and overflowing with tears. He stood, his wail piercing our walls, shaking, screaming, his yell bearing the pain of his soul. He knew it...

Gone.

I told him to stay at the door. He did. We both knew, we both understood. He listened. He waited. Mom can fix it... Mom will fix it. I ran outside. Rain. Cold. Storm. Wind. I ran. Must not go far. Harrison needs me. Must look around close. Must run. Barefoot on broken stone pathways. My body felt nothing. Must run.

Gone.

I screamed for him. I screamed and ran. I questioned a man, he knew nothing.

Gone.

I ran inside. I told Harrison to put shoes on. He did, no socks. He looked at me, anticipating my lecture. Don't care. Panic.

Gone.

What do I do? What do I do? What do I do? Phone. Where is my phone? Where is my phone? Where is my phone?

Gone.

Call Kurt first. Need Kurt. "Carter is gone!" Kurt is too calm. He doesn't understand. Carter is gone. Gone. Gone. Kurt is on his way. Kurt will make it better. Hang up phone.

Gone.

No. Kurt will make it better. Force breath in body. Breathe in, out, in, out, in, out, in, out. Movement outside. Man with a dog. Not Carter.

Gone.

Kurt calls back. Asks me to repeat myself. I walk outside. I cannot hear Kurt. I cannot answer questions. I feel the wind. I feel the air. I do not feel Carter, he is not here. I stand in stillness, waiting to feel his presence. I feel nothing.

Gone.

I hang up on Kurt, he is looking for Carter while he drives. I cannot answer questions. I cannot hear questions. I heart nothing. I need Carter. I need my son.

Gone.

Dial 911. How do I dial? What button makes the keys come? Shaking fingers touch 9 1 1. Voice answers, asks me my emergency.

"Gone. My son, my son is gone!"

Address? I forget it. It takes a moment. She is nice, kind, asks me to be calm. I breathe. Address given. Officers on the way. She stays on the phone, but I do not hear her. I am busy listening, listening for Carter. Neighbors come out of their homes. It has been less than five minutes, but feels like eternity.

Gone.

Kurt gets home. He finds me standing outside. He holds me, tells me he will find Carter, leaves. Kurt will fix it. Kurt will fix it. Kurt will fix it. I go inside. I go inside but I cannot sit...

Gone.

I start to clean. I don't know why. I move, I pace, I straighten. Less than 3 unnecessary trips to the kitchen with individual dishes and the doorbell rings. I am holding dishes. Carter's dish. Lunch dish. Carter doesn't eat eggs.

Gone.

Police come in. Two tall men. Harrison smiles. He is happy they are here. "You will find my bro-der!" He is sure. They say they will try, pat his head. Harrison corrects them, "You will use your super-guy hero power and find him!" They smile. I cannot smile.

Gone.

They tell me statistics that I do not hear, it is supposed to be comforting. They tell me kids this age hide, they assure me he is hiding. They ask to search the house. Yes. Go. They go up stairs, but I know what they will find, nothing...

Gone.

They talk on their radios. They speak in quiet voices. They look into the hall, close a door, speak louder. They slowly come down the stairs. They look at me with kind eyes. They see pain. I do not see anything. They leave the house to look outside. More police arrive. A woman, and a man. The man is told to stay by me, and make me calm. I cannot be calm. I need my son. The man tells me to sit. I sit. Blind obeying, my mind is not working.

Gone.

More police. Harrison is getting impatient. He is angry. Why haven't they found his brother? The police ask questions. I cannot understand. They call Kurt, they tell him I am hysterical, he has to answer their questions. They hang up on him when they think they see Carter. I run. It is not Carter. I cry harder.

Gone.

They tell me to breathe, they tell me he is probably just hiding. They tell me children this age just hide. They keep telling me kids hide. They ask me where he likes to hide. Carter does not hide. They tell me it will be okay. I cannot believe anything will ever be okay.

Gone.

More police. More police. More police. More search the house. More search the neighbors. Neighbors knock, police answer, police talk to them. I am told to sit. Harrison is told to sit. We sit, bathed in warm lamplight. Carter out in the dark cold. Harrison understands. He is angry, he wants to go search. I want to go search. We are told to sit. Sitting does not help. Sitting keeps us still. Stillness allows the grief to cover us, drown us, we cannot breathe. We see nothing but flashing lights and badges. Kurt calls...

Gone.

Still gone. More police. More questions. Same questions. What happened? Why would he leave? Where would he go? What school does he attend? Who are his friends? Where are your extended family? Where do you go on walks? I give answers. They send people. Nothing.

Gone.

Kurt has covered miles. It is raining. He has gone everywhere. He screams for Carter, but not too loud, too loud may scare him. Trying to sound cheerful... getting harder to call his name when the wind is howling. Faint voices, what is it? Children, children are out looking for Carter. Neighbors are out looking for Carter. Church members are out looking for Carter. I am not out looking for Carter. I am commanded to sit. By doing nothing, I am drowning in my grief. My mind will not stop, it travels to dark nightmares soaked in evil. I try and push them out. It cannot be done. Dark. So dark. Where is my son...

Gone.

Harrison sits on my lap. Harrison tells me he loves me. Harrison hides in my arms. Harrison curls up into me. Harrison looks with big eyes, he needs his brother. I need to help. What can I do to help? Harrison needs food. I get him some food. He spills it with shaking hands. We do not yell, we do not fuss. Clean it later. We cry. We cannot eat food. We hold one another.

Gone.

I am told to sit at the table. They say there is more light at the table. I sit in Carter's seat. Carter is not in his seat. This is where Carter eats dinner. Carter did not have dinner. Dinner is burned, I forgot about dinner. I do not shut off the dinner. I keep it burning. Carter must have hot dinner. Thoughts are not forming, my mind is only on Carter. I sit in Carter's seat, place my head in my folded arms. I want to be Carter's seat- I want him here with me.

Gone.

Paper: official, white, glaring. Pen: sharp, black, firm. Fill out a statement. Things are not looking well. More police. Search the pond. Search the creek. Search the neighbors' homes. Start calling for him on the PA. Plans. I find my voice. Carter can swim. They say hypothermia. I see Carter, frozen, blue. I try and push it out, I try and see the white paper. I cannot see past my tears. I cling to the chair- Carter's chair. It has to be Carter's chair. It can be no one else's chair. I need my son.

Gone.

There is talk of detectives, search areas, ranges, and more units. There is talk of who will stay with me. There is talk in whispers. Same neighbors check in, discouraged he is not found. It is dark. They do not try and contact me, the police are everywhere, they stop everyone who comes near. They hear me but they do not see. The neighbors do not want to see. They want to help, but they do not know how. I do not know how. I pick up the pen. I still cannot see the paper.

Gone.

I pick up my phone. I need a friend. I need to tell a friend. I call. No answer. I call, she answers happily. She hears my voice. She is concerned. She asks questions. I do not understand. I tell her I need help, I tell her I need prayers, I tell her I need the Church. She sounds confidant. She is calm. She is smiling. She is thoughtful. She will call me back. I hang up. I sit back. I see the paper.

Gone.

I text. I cannot text. My fingers do not work. I have to. I must ask. I must knock. I must beg for help. I shouldn't have yelled. It cannot be over. Not like this. No. Not happening. This is not happening. This is a nightmare. Wake up. I manage to type on facebook. I ask for prayers. I need prayers. I need help, and I need it fast. God will hear, he must. I need my son. It has been more than two hours.

Gone.

Warmth. It is not much, but it is there. In my heart. It feels like a small blanket, just from the dryer. Very small, inside. Warm. Prayers are being said. Hope is being given. We will find my son. I wait...

Gone...

Minutes later, a man calls the police. He lives more than a mile from here and he found a small boy. I am told a boy was found, but they do not know if it is my son. The blanket stays inside me, but the outside is numb. I have no reaction. They had already seen boys and thought they were Carter. I am numb. They tell me they think it might be Carter, I have no reaction. I am off. Units are everywhere, one is there almost instantly. An officer goes to the couple's door, he sees my son.

Gone?

They tell me to call Kurt. Kurt can come home. Carter was found. I call Kurt, he sounds relieved, astonished, thankful, cautious. He is home very quickly, he was nearby.

Not home.

What is taking so long? I pace. I need my son. Give me my son. Kurt enters the house, he is wet from rain. He still has his work clothes on. His shoes and tie are ruined. We do not see- we will see later. For now we only see each other. I see see Kurt and break down. When he embraces me I fall into his arms. He holds me. He is strong. He makes it bearable. I feel weightless. I feel tears. I feel Harrison. I feel Kurt. I need Carter.

Not home.

Kurt calls his boss. Talk of schedules. I am confused. Kurt and I bicker. Police break it up. I am not understanding. Kurt is not understanding. Where is Carter?! We stand, go to the door. Wait. It feels like forever. Only three minutes? No. It was forever. I was there. Trust me. Forever.

Not home.

In Carter's eyes: Another unit arrives. They talk to my son. Give him a sticker. Lecture. Question. Lecture. Question. Ride in a police car. Confused.

Home.

The house is surrounded by police cars and SUVs. They are parked diagonally because there are so many. Police come through the door. Kurt and I stand, run, wait. Police file in. There he is.

Carter.

I see him. I see my son. I see my baby. He is the same. I gave birth yesterday, he said his first word yesterday, he turns his head when I say funny words yesterday, he loves chicken-noodle-dinner yesterday, he dances with Elmo yesterday, he sleeps in a toddler bed yesterday, he got his first train yesterday, he sang his first song "Jesus once was a little child like me" yesterday, he tells me I'm his princess yesterday. I see him. I run. I grab him. I lift him off the ground. I hold him. I cry.

Home.

Kurt takes him. Police file out. We thank and thank. They smile and nod. They take their white paper. They forget the pen. There is no statement. He is here.

Home

Carter is confused. Why didn't Momma come get him? He was lost, he couldnt find a train. He needed a train to go to California. He would only be gone three days. Geez Momma, why didnt you find me if you were scared. He is confused. He demands no more questions. I cry. He gets upset. He doesn't understand why I cry. Kurt tries to explain. Carter doesn't understand. We all hold Carter. We try and stay calm.

Dinner.

Carter is cold and hungry. We try to feed him. Dinner is ruined. Ice cream. Carter loves ice cream! We take him to get ice cream. Kurt and I hold his hands. We cannot let him go. No, cannot let go. Harrison holds his shirt- each of us keep hold. Cannot let him go.

Ice cream.

Carter is normal. Carter is happy. We get stares. It is obvious we have been crying. I realize what I look like. I am a mess. I do not care. I have my sons. I have two sons. I have them both, I am happy. Carter eats ice cream, wants to go home and sleep. We take him home, he gets into a shower, it is hot and warms him. He is happy. He sleeps. Harrison knows Carter is on the top bunk. He is happy. He sleeps.

Sleep?

We do not sleep. We don't want sleep. We reorganize the homeschool room. We cannot sleep. Too afraid to sleep. We move Carter to our bed. We lay awake, holding him. He gives half-asleep smiles when we touch his face. He feels loved, and we love him. We worry for Harrison. Harrison cannot wake without Carter. Poor Harrison. Too much for a little guy. We move Carter back to the room with Harrison. We tuck them in, kiss them again. We go to bed. We cannot sleep. Too scared. We cry again. We pray together. We cry more. Sleep takes us.

Morning.

RUN. CHECK CARTER. RUN!

He is here. Sleeping. Make the bed. Iron Kurt's clothes. Kurt does dishes that we forgot about last night. Kurt leaves. Harrison wakes. Harrison asks for snuggles with Mommy. We cuddle- I praise him for being so helpful and brave. We talk. He loves our special time. I open the door, I check on Carter. Carter is not in bed. I scream. Carter answers from downstairs, annoyed with me. He already promised he wouldn't leave again, what is the big deal? He doesn't understand. He was looking for Daddy. We call Daddy so they can say hello- we are all here.

Healthy
Happy
Home.

The new perfection.

I must have checked on my sons 15 times today, if not more. I held their hands, snuggled them, kissed their faces. Carter was gone for more than 2 1/2 hours. We were told he was found over a mile away, one day soon we will walk there, and we will thank the couple who found him. Carter said the people who found him were nice.

There are no words that have ever been spoken that can accurately express my overwhelming emotions during that time, and even now. I always considered myself a very capable and strong woman- but this ended all of that. I was useless. I could literally not think outside of my pain. The police needed pictures and I couldn't figure out how to get my printer to print... not because I had never done it, I have printed thousands of times, but because there was a period where I could literally not read the word "print" and somehow I had forgotten all of the buttons and keys on a computer - everything looked Greek to me. Nothing made sense. I could not think my way past him being gone. The police asked about his past "running away" - I couldn't understand. No, he didn't run away- he is just gone. No, not taken, gone. I couldn't wrap my mind around very simple concepts like, "run away." I couldn't do anything. The police were amazing. They handled everything. They knew what to do. I can sit back now, and be amazed at planning, training, and execution they did. They went door to door, searched bush to bush, and drove for miles. They had people in vehicles, on foot, and with dogs. They were perfect. They talked to Carter, they talked to us, they were brilliant.

Those were the worst two and a half hours of my life. Those hours felt like weeks. Everything was in slow motion. It was hell. It was a very real hell on earth.

I cannot be without my children. They are everything to me. I am so very overwhelmingly extremely thankful to have them home, warm, and safe.

I pray to God that the mothers who read this NEVER go through this. I pray that my children understand the things I teach them, and they absorb the dangers of which I warn. My heart aches for the mothers whose children are missing for extended periods of time, those mothers will now forever be in my prayers. I pray for the safety and wellbeing of the brave officers who brave the world's storms, searching for the lost and protecting us all.

Happy
Healthy
Home.

I pray you all have this.